I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
