Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
