its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
