i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
