its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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