i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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