Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
