Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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