You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
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After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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