Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think your dad took our porno
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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