just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's blow job season.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
