Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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