handjob tips. give me some.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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