ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
