her vagine was all disorganized.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
