The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
