Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I need to calm my uterus...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
