Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
