Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
