she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
