also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
