so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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