apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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