After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
