You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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