I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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