I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
