Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
