you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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