It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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