Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
