i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
