I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
