meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
