when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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