Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
