you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
