so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
