I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
