i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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