Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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