she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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