Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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