The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
