Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
