Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
