I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm at about main and main street
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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