I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
