are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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