the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
They took my balls.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
