I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
