btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
