It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
