This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
