I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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