Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
