i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
